I have a lot on my mind and heart tonight. According to MLC (My Lovely Counselor), the best thing for me to do when this happens is to GET IT OUT!!! The problem in that is that I don't really like the whole process of getting it out. I would rather shelve it and...well, never mind.
Onto the getting it out..
I have been tired, needy, moody, feeling crappy, grumpy, down (maybe even depressed), and definitely being high maintenance. I've been especially high maintenance with a very close friend of mine today.
I hate it when I get this way. It has been a very long time since I have felt such turmoil going on inside my mind and my heart. I have reached a level of healing with the grief that doesn't have the roller coaster of emotional ups and downs ALL of the time.
After having my sweet friend tell me to stop being obsessive and to relax, I began to pray. I really could not figure out what was up with me today.
I knew that there was likely some leftover emotions simply because this has been a tough week. Two trips to Birmingham, chemo, and CT scans make for a tough week emotionally and physically.
After praying, I took a bubble bath. I had also spoken with another very close friend and she suggested that I try to unwind. Maybe that would help.
The praying and the bubble bath (more the praying though) helped me to gain some clarity in what my problem has been today...aside from the obvious leftovers of the week.
Today marks a pretty significant day in the life of my family. I even wrote about it in my previous email/post. Today marks 15 years since Nick's liver transplant. I wrote about it. I got on my soap box about organ donation. I hurt for the mom who lost her son that day. I hurt for the young mother that was afraid she would never see her baby boy again.
I also figured out that I am hurting for that same mom who is now a widow. A single mom trying to take care of the baby who has grown into a young man, whose father has died from cancer. The same young man faces a battle of his own that the mom can't conquer.
I have lots of grief, sadness, hopes, fears, dreams, and praises all trying to fight for space in my heart and mind.
No wonder I don't feel good today.
I'm taking the rest of the night to treat myself with a huge measure of kindness and grace.
Good night y'all!