This past Saturday morning I was doing the yard work. I actually enjoy mowing. Who wouldn't? I have a really nice riding mower! I just don't get very many opportunities to use it, because I let the kids (mostly Nick) mow while I weed eat.
Anyway...Saturday Nick didn't get out there to help me quickly enough. I got aggravated with the weed eater and decided to mow for a while. That gave me the opportunity to let my mind just process.
I found myself coming to the realization that a portion of the acceptance process is no longer fighting the reality of being alone, being a single parent, making decisions and knowing the outcome is on you. I can go on and on and on. All of these thoughts and others flooded over me while I was mowing.
I have been fighting all of this. I didn't even realize it. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been putting out a lot of energy putting off making decisions, taking needed actions, etc etc etc.
At that moment, I decided to mentally put on my big girl panties and start dealing with life instead of life dealing with me. As much as I can anyway...I still have the issues with Nick that cause quite a bit of stress.
I've talked with MLC about this revealing moment. He thought it was a major step forward for me in the healing process. He also warned me that strong emotions will still surface. I will still likely encounter some anger at having to make decisions alone, being a single parent, and who knows what else.
So here I am, two years and two months after my husband's death and I am still dealing with acceptance issues.
I think it's safe to assume that acceptance of life after a loss (any kind) takes time and never really finishes.
Hmmmm...grief seems to work the same way.