Sunday, September 6, 2009

I wish

I wish I could say that I am as strong as my appearance is to others. I can tell, you that the events of the past two months, as well as this past week, have shaken me to my core. The news of the progression (not healing) of Nick's cancer has left me feeling completely broken...more broken than I think I have ever been.

My heart has been broken from the moment I kissed the love of my life for the last time; from the moment Keith breathed his last. My heart broke more when I left that hospital room where his physical body lay. I felt another piece break when I viewed his prepared body for the first time, and again for the last. I do believe that each and every piece of my heart, that belonged to Keith, completely shattered when I shoveled the first dirt onto the casket. I have been living with those pieces of my heart for 2 months. I didn't think there was much left to break...until Wednesday.

When Nick's doctor told me the results of the scans, what was left of my heart shattered. I am broken. My heart is still beating, but it is broken. I'm still among the living, but I am broken.

For the first time in my life, my heart doesn't KNOW that God is with us. My head KNOWS, but it has to continually remind my heart. My experience has been the other way around. My heart has always known and had to remind my head. My head is now continually telling my heart that although it FEELS like God has slammed the door on me and mine, He has not. He is here. He is protecting us. He is the God of Psalm 121. I think my heart is so broken that it isn't hearing anything.

I don't know how to deal with this. I know my faith isn't weak. I know that I'm not turning away. I know that God is with me and the kids. I know God has a plan in this somewhere, even though I can't see it. I KNOW all of the "preacher" talk. I just don't know how to deal with what my broken heart is feeling and what my head knows. My heart knows all of these things too. It just can't focus right now.

I wish I could be upbeat and positive right now. The honest truth is that I can't. The only thing that I can say is I'm broken. I am trying hard to cling to the foot of the cross. I am trying hard to figure out how to live with a broken heart that is still beating. I am trying to practice what Keith and I have always done: focusing on today and letting God have tomorrow. I am trying, but it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

Please pray for me and the kids. They are taking their cues from me as always. I'm having to expend so much energy trying to keep them focused on today and letting God have tomorrow that I am worn out.

I don't know if this post makes any sense, but it is what I am feeling. I don't expect anyone to be able to "fix" it or even have anything uplifting to say. You know it's bad when your counselor is rendered speechless at the latest developments in your life. :-)

I do know that I am still in His grip. I just wish I could feel it.


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