Wednesday, September 23, 2009

11 weeks

Yesterday marked 11 weeks since Keith went to his heavenly home. I would like to say that yesterday was spent with happy reflections on a beautiful life spent with beautiful children and tons of beautiful memories. I can't!

Yesterday I was an absolute mess. I have been a mess for the last three days. It has taken every ounce of my being to get up in the mornings, get the kids off to school , and face whatever I have to face that day. Yesterday was the worst. I was a complete and total mess yesterday. My lovely counselor told me, yes I may feel like a mess, but I am a functioning mess. I was not in a fetal position curled up on the floor unable to make any kind of coherent sound. Okay. I'll accept that. I wasn't that big of a mess, but I was enough of a mess for me that I wanted to quit! I wanted to quit grieving, quit getting up every day, quit putting my shoes on and walking, just quit, quit, quit! But I didn't.

I guess in reality I don't know how to quit. I just always keep on walking. I keep on doing whatever has to be done, whether I want to or not. I just do it, and I don't quit. Maybe sometimes I should quit. Maybe sometimes quitting some things would be better for me than continuing along on the wrong path. These things have made me reconsider some decisions I've made about my blog and other things. I've always thought that this blog would not just be sounding board for myself (my calm in the eye of the storm), but also a place that someone else could find something that they were looking for to help themselves out on their own journey. Well, I can't do that anymore.

What I've said may bother some of you that have known me for so long. I'm sorry for that. I have made a decision to be more open with my feelings. Let me explain why. I found myself sitting in my grief support group meeting last night unable to share what has been going on with me for the past week. I couldn't and I wouldn't. While listening to the others share, I realized that a major part of why I would not/could not share was simply because I did not have anything nice or uplifting to say AT ALL! I didn't want to burden the others with my mess. I am holding a lot of my truest feelings in mainly because I don't want to let some one else see a weakness in me. In reality, I am very weak. Since Keith's death, I have been weaker than I have ever been. I have realized that in my weakness is God's strength. I can't be open to the help that others can give me if I don't let them see my needs and my feelings.

This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but that is how grief works for me. It doesn't make sense. I am realizing that grief has many facets. In some ways it is like a diamond. In it's rawest form, it is ugly and doesn't look like it is worth much. After quite a bit of honing and polishing, the beauty of the diamond begins to show through. Now, that process of honing and polishing is quite painful (if the diamond were a living thing that could feel). In the end, we are left with something exquisite and beautiful. Something that has worth. Something that looked nothing like what it started out as being. Grief is like that. I know that, throughout all of this honing and polishing, one day I will be able to hold in my hand a precious, exquisite, beautiful diamond that came out of this grief. That diamond will contain so many facets, it will be blinding. That diamond will hold all of the beauty of the life that Keith lived. All of the many beautiful moments that we spent together from the early days of first love to the last day of bliss filled peace. I can't have that diamond with those facets without the honing and the polishing. IT IS PAINFUL! But I wouldn't change it. I know that in my pain there lies the beauty. In my pain, lies the healing. If I didn't feel this pain, I wouldn't love Keith the way I do. And oh! Do I love that man!

Today we have been apart for 78 days. 78 days that instead of decreasing, my love for him has increased. 78 days that have been the most painful of my life. 78 days. 78 days. 78 days.

In these 78 days, I have a new found relationship with my God. My God is the only One that can heal this broken heart of mine. My God is the only One who can comfort me when I am in so much pain I don't think I can bear it another second. My God is the only One who can take this ugliness of grief and turn it into a diamond. My God is the only One who can heal me and make me whole again. My God has to be first not last. My God is the only One who has the POWER for me to see my husband again. My God is THE ONLY ONE!

Pray for me dear ones! I need to be covered up in prayer. I am struggling with this thing called grief. I miss Keith dearly. My heart feels like it's been broken into a million pieces. Only God has the power to put them back together again. There are times when I don't think that I can bear up another second. There are times I am completely overwhelmed and I can't find my way.

I know that I am...

Still in His grip, even though I am certainly in the valley of the shadow of death.


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