Tuesday, September 29, 2009

12 weeks

Last week I mentioned that I would be more open with expressing my truest feelings. Here they are, ready or not!

Today is 12 weeks...aka 84 days. I hate it! I don't like this life this way. I didn't ask for it. I don't want this to be my life anymore. I want so badly to change it, but I can't.

Please don't take that to mean that I would consider quitting or anything like that. My counselor, whom I saw today BTW, assures me that I am not suffering from full out depression...yet. I am simply grieving and missing my husband, friend, companion, etc. with a soul deep yearning that is painful. No one likes anything painful. This life I am forced to live right now was put upon me with out my choosing. It also came without any kind of rules or instruction manual. I don't know which step to take next.

The only thing that I KNOW is that I miss my husband so completely and thoroughly it hurts! There is not one single moment of any day that passes without me missing him, without me grieving him, without me wanting him here. For the majority of the last 12 weeks, I have clung to the comfort that Keith wasn't suffering anymore. No one wants to see a loved one suffer. I still live daily with the memories of Keith's suffering. I wish he were still here...without having to suffer. I want something that I can't have. I don't know that this point in my grief would be considered anger, but it is certainly frustration.

So many things are happening that I wish Keith were here to help me with and through. Nick was diagnosed with H1N1 flu during this past weekend. It was (and still is) very scary. Nick is so high risk. He developed bronchitis from the flu almost immediately. As a matter of fact, that's why I took him to the doctor. He sounded like he had bronchitis. I wasn't expecting to hear that he had the flu as well. I've been worried that we would have to go to Birmingham. Those worries brought on worries about Kacie and who would take care of her. How could I possibly be with both children at the same time? I would have to choose Nick over her. I am so tired of having to choose. Nick's body seems to be handling the flu pretty well. He hasn't had any major issues from it yet. I'm continuing to hope and pray that he won't develop any and that he will heal quickly. We don't have to go to Birmingham for this as long as he continues to do well.

Anyway, all of this gives a tiny little glimpse into my head and heart over the last few days.

Thank you for covering me in prayer. I'm still not through this rough patch in my grief. I'm still spending some time every day crying. However, it's not as bad as it was last week. I can wear my contacts! I couldn't do that for a few days last week. I still haven't found the energy to take care of the routine things around the house that I put off last week. I had finally found a little bit of a routine when the depression of last week hit. Nick's flu diagnosis pushed me back a little bit. I am hoping that each day will continue to get better for me. I am hoping that I can feel stronger again. I was there, but I'm not now. I am trying to remind myself that God is continually with me and the children. He has not left us, although it feels like it at times. I am trying to remember that these steps backward do not mean that the steps forward I have taken are gone. I am trying to remind myself that each step is a baby step forward. Like babies do, sometimes I will fall and get scraped up. The main thing is that I keep getting back up and trying again.

My quote for the time being is:

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa

I am also reminding myself that I am still in His grip, even while in the valley of the shadow of death.


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