Friday, July 10, 2009

Today is the day

Today is the day that I bury my husband. Tomorrow is the day we would have been married 17 years.

In the midst of the worst pain and grief I have ever experienced, I have said to my nearest and dearest, "I don't know how to do this."

And I don't.

It's just that simple. I don't. One thing I have realized is that God can do everything that I can't. Ok, yeah I knew this, but sometimes in the midst of all of the pain and grief that knowledge disappears.

It took me until last night, when I walked into the room where the shell of my wonderful, amazing, God fearing, God loving, family comes first husband lay to realize that I CAN DO THIS BECAUSE HE'S NOT HERE! That is just the shell that held him. I was truly okay for the first time in a long time.

Today is going to be hard, and I wish things were different. I wish I could have him here with me right this very second, but if he couldn't be here with me and be well I would rather him be in heaven. That's the honest truth.

Keith was not a selfish man by any definition of the word. How can I be selfish and deny him EVERY Christian's desire to see those nail scarred hands and walk along the streets of gold.

In times past, I have known a peace that passes understanding. Now I have known the true peace that passes ALL understanding. I praise God for that.

The kids and I are in His grip right now and always.


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