Wednesday, July 29, 2009

22 days

Yesterday marked three weeks without my husband PHYSICALLY by my side. Today is 22 days. The beginning of the fourth week without my spouse. I can honestly say that I am struggling. I have been struggling against this latest wave of grief, that is continually crashing down over me, for almost 4 days now. There have been moments during these last four days when the wave has receded just enough for me to catch my breath before it swamps me again.

The comparison to waves is the best way I know to describe the way my grief is behaving. It is very much wave-like. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes, it is high tide. Other times, it is low tide. Many times, I'm just out in it and it is crashing all around me. In those times, I'm doing my darnedest to simply tread water to keep from going under.

My counselor has assured me that all of this is perfectly normal in the grieving process. I've also known for quite some time that I have been grieving for a long time. I have been grieving for years. Grieving the life that Keith and I lost when he was diagnosed with cancer. I grieved EVERY time we got bad news. The difference between then and now is that now the grief is COMPLETE. It is total grief...not just bits and pieces.

I wasn't prepared for the sadness and loneliness to be so strong and overwhelming. Both of those emotions are the most difficult to deal with. When they are both swamping me at the same time, that's when I'm probably at my lowest. That's the point when even treading water is a struggle.

I am truly depending on God to see me through this time in my life. I am depending on God to see the children through this time in their lives. I can't. This is something that is beyond me. All I can think right now is that I will walk by faith and try to remain at the foot of the cross.

I'm still in His grip, ESPECIALLY when I'm in the valley.


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