The kids seem to be doing better at adjusting to our life without Keith than me. They are such troopers. Nick and Kacie truly amaze me.
I am good sometimes and not so good sometimes. I never know when either time will be. Sometimes the grief just completely swamps me and takes me under. Other times I'm pretty okay...relatively speaking. However, when the times are bad, they tend to be really bad. One night recently, I just could not stop crying. The kids had had a massive water spill that flooded the bathroom and soaked the hallway carpet. We cleaned it up and had a lesson on knowing when to ask for help. I tucked them in and sat down at the computer and proceeded to cry. I simply could not stop. Kacie got worried. (She could see me from her room.) I hated worrying her, so I called my mom. Mom came and spent the night and the entire next day with me. I was swamped that night.
My motto of late has been time and patience. I've told the kids that what we all need to give each other, but I will need an extra dose sometimes...all the time.
My prayer every morning is simply, "Lord carry me through today, because I can't do it." That's the truth too. I simply can't do it. I don't know how come I'm getting up everyday. I don't know how I'm able to do anything. I don't know, except that it's God wrapping me up tight in the grace and mercy that only He can give.
I understand so much more about things now than I did before Keith died. I wish I hadn't been so blind to them. I can see God's hands and His plans so much more clearly now. I wish it could have been different.
Grieving is hard work. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. One bad part is it's unpredictability. You can't prepare for the hit. You don't know from which direction it will come.
Please continue to pray for us. Losing Keith is the hardest thing I have ever done or faced. From me, that's saying a lot since I've done so much hard during the last 13 years.
I'm sorry for the rambling, but that's how my brain is operating these days. I've been told that's a normal side effect of grief as well.
Until next time!