Saturday, November 9, 2013

Mind Over Matter

I simply can not concentrate today. I REALLY need to concentrate on schoolwork. I have a major test due by tomorrow that I haven't even finished the study materials for yet. Ugh...

What is keeping me from doing what needs to be done? I'm not exactly sure that it's one thing, but I know that a large part of it is Nick's health.

He was mapped and marked yesterday for radiation treatments. Yeah. We went from thinking Tuesday was a consult to being told "yes, Nick is a candidate for radiation. We'll call you once we speak with his regular oncologist." to a phone call the very next day that Nick is being mapped and marked on Friday morning.

I've been working since literally leaving the doctor's office on Tuesday morning, so I guess I really haven't had the opportunity for all of this to sink in...until this morning. It's Saturday and life is slower for me today. I can't get it off my mind.

My emotions are trying to be all over the place. I'm not really letting them. I'm not sure what or how I'm feeling. I'm nervous and a little scared. I'm trying to keep from comparing all of this to what happened with Keith. My brain is telling my heart there's nothing at all similar, but my heart is screaming that YES THERE IS!

I'm trying to keep a hold on all this jumbled up junk and not let it run rampant, but it is difficult. I need to talk about it. I can't though...not while the kids are around. Nick doesn't need to be scared any more than he already is. Kacie either.

Nick has PET scans on Monday morning. There are some questions about the degree of activity from the last set done at Children's in August the oncologists here need answered before radiation begins. The radiation oncologist mentioned Tuesday that the scans from Children's indicated a slight increase in activity. Sigh...

I guess I'm also taken aback by how fast everything is moving and changing. It's been a long, long time since things have changed this quickly with Nick's medical treatments. Usually it's been because his health was really in danger and fast action was necessary. It's not that way this time, but my heart doesn't seem to understand this.

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