These last two weeks have brought a tsunami of emotions with them. I think I have experienced every emotion a human being can possibly experience...from joy and peace to distraught and helpless...love to anger...hope to hopelessness...you name it and I likely have experienced it at some point in the last 2 weeks.
I've found myself in a place that I haven't been since the first months after Keith's death. It's hard to be me right now. It's harder than hard to go through this life that I've been given. I've watched my son suffer over and over and over again for 18 years with no real end in sight. I watched, helpless, as cancer ravaged my husband's body. I held his hand while God called him home. I'm walking beside both of my children, trying to raise them up the way Keith and I had planned...except I'm doing it without him.
I'm now walking, watching, and waiting with my son as cancer is trying to ravage his body AGAIN. I'm watching, helpless, as he bravely goes into a room lined with lead where laser beams come out of the walls, go into his body, and try to kill this horrid disease. The very same disease that claimed the life of his dad.
I'm sitting in the same chairs I sat in while waiting for his dad to come out from the very same room for the very same reason.
18 years ago on November 27, 1995, I was told that my son would not live, because an incurable cancer was ravaging his little body.
17 years ago on September 3, 1996, I gave my son to the doctors who were going to replace the cancer filled liver with a donor liver. I was told I may not see him again.
16 years ago on December 5, 1997, I was told that if my son lived to see the morning it would be a miracle, because the central IV line planted inside his chest broke, traveled through the left ventricle of his heart, went down into his lungs, and punctured one of them.
15 years ago in 1998, I was told my son would die, because he had developed sepsis (blood infection) after having his tonsils and adenoids removed.
I can't keep going right now. I can't keep the list going. It's too overwhelming. I'm reading it and I see God's hands in each and every event. I know He was there. I know He IS here. I just have this mother's heart that has been bruised and broken so many times that I'm not sure how much more it can take. How much more heartache can it take? I never ask that. I NEVER ASK THAT! I do not even think that. Why am I thinking it now?!
I am trying to remain positive...hopeful...joyful...
I am finding it very...very...difficult.
I am just a mom whose family has been ravaged by cancer.