Nick is cruising along just like usual. He does seem to tire out more quickly on a more consistent basis than he has in a REALLY long time. I think that is due to several factors: 1. He's staying up later at night and still getting up early. 2. The chemo is taking a toll on him. 3. He is a teenager. I think any one of these three is enough to make someone tired. He is dealing with all three at once, and he is living a pretty normal daily life.
I don't want that to change either. I want Nick to live as much of a normal life as he is able to. He has dreams he wants to pursue. Goals that he wants to meet. I've been thinking a lot about the different ramifications of having the surgery vs not having the surgery. I'm afraid that if he has the surgery, Nick won't be able to pursue his goals and dreams. I am concerned about Nick's ability to heal and recover from such invasive surgery.
The flip side of my concerns are what it means for him not to have the surgery. If he doesn't have the surgery, the cancer could go crazy and there won't be anything we can do about it. Then he won't even have the chance to pursue his dreams and goals. He'll get sicker and eventually die without a miracle.
Can I do that to him? What do I say to him? How do I express my concerns in a way that won't scare him? So many questions that just don't have answers right now. I wonder if I should suggest palliative care.
It is so difficult to know what is the best thing for Nick right now. I honestly never really believed that we would be at a place where medical science has nothing for us. Nick's doctors have always seemed to be able to pull the proverbial rabbit out of their hats. It's difficult for me to grasp that it's actually different this time. There is a huge part of me that just simply refuses to believe that we are at the end of what modern medicine has to offer. I just can not seem to wrap my brain around that piece of knowledge.
There's no foundation for continued treatment. It simply boggles my mind that there isn't anyone else "out there" who has the same combination of health mess that Nick has. Surely we are not alone. Surely Nick isn't the only one out there.
That's just a glimpse into my thoughts when I let myself think about things. I don't let my thoughts run rampant very much though. That's one reason I haven't posted here very much. I'm not even writing in my private journal much right now either. That wound is just too painful right now. I can't get through the days and nights, my college classes, and being a single mom if my mind and heart are focused on this heavy burden.
I cast my cares upon the Lord. He alone can set me, Nick, Kacie, and you free. I do know that no matter what happens with Nick, God will see us through this storm...just as He has all the times before. I have no doubts about that.
As always, we remain...
In HIS Grip,
Kristy
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