Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Moaning and groaning

Yep...that's what this one is going to be, moaning and groaning.

Well...maybe not.

I really don't know what this post is going to be about. I just know that I need to clean out some of this clutter that is taking up lots of room in my mind.

I have found myself face to face with the past in recent days. Lots of happy memories have come flooding back. Memories that I have not been able to recall in a very long time. It's not that I had forgotten the happy memories. There was just so much that was really tough to deal with that there wasn't any room or time for the happy.

When the flood of memories came, it washed over me like a tidal wave. I thought it was going to take me under at first. I wasn't in a place where I could stop what I was doing and deal with the memories and emotions. I shelved it until later.

Later showed up the following morning. I was sad and couldn't figure out why. I didn't feel good physically or mentally and couldn't figure out why. After taking some time writing in my journal and putting all of the "tools" MLC has equipped me with, I figured out the link between all of the good memories and my grief.

Yep...that's right. Another episode of grief. UGH! I asked one of the MLC's if this kind of stuff is ever going to stop. He said it's a yes and no answer. There will always be grief, but it won't always be this strong.

I honestly am still surprised at the power the grief has at times. I don't have the constant heartache from grief anymore. I am more prone to "ambush moments" now. I classify the barrage of happy memories as an "ambush moment". It was not something I was expecting. I didn't anticipate it in any way. It just happened.

Why did the onslaught of happy memories cause me grief? According to MLC, it's because I haven't been able to spend as much time since Keith's death remembering the happy times. Nick's cancer has prevented a lot of that from happening. I have many extenuating circumstances that are not common in people who have lost a spouse. Most widows aren't also dealing with a child who has cancer.

I have been grieving the loss of the life that was. The life before Keith got sick. The life that we lived between Nick's first cancer and Keith's diagnosis.

There was a lot of life that happened in that short period of time. A lot of good life that happened. We were living a pretty normal, routine life...at least by our standards.

It's difficult to look back on the happy times. It has been difficult for many, many years.

I have also realized that I can't move forward with my life now until I accept the past and everything that comes with it.

Healing hurts, but it is a necessary pain if I want to live life.

I am finding out that life can be fun. I guess that means I have to hurt in order to heal.

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