Friday, June 24, 2011

On my mind...

There are many, many thoughts running circles in my mind. It's been that way for several days now.

A lot of my thoughts are circling around the medical news with Nick.

What's left has been divided between my economics class, kids, bills, etc, etc, etc.

I've had a tough time coming to terms with the FULL meaning of the changes that are likely going to be taking place because of the cancer Nick has.

Kacie put it very well today when I shared about Nick's clinic visit. She cried and said she "just didn't understand why God continued to let Nick to have cancer. He's been through so much. It isn't fair that he should have to fight this like Daddy did."

Shattered my heart into a million pieces.

I know that I have been struggling with the similarities between Nick's current fight with cancer and Keith's long fight. I didn't think the kids had given it much thought. I really don't give these kids enough credit!

She managed to sum up everything that I've been feeling.

This is a tough place that my family is in. It's even tougher to KNOW that we are going to be here awhile without divine intervention from our Heavenly Father. It's odd to think that we are in a tough place now when in reality, we've been in a tough place for many years.

I had the realization on Tuesday that it has been six years since this constant back and forth to Children's Hospital became routine for the second time in Nick's life. Realizing that it has been six years was like walking right into a brick wall. I did not realize how many years the constant back and forth has been going on.

Six years ago, Nick had his colon surgery that resulted in a 29 day hospitalization due to complications. Due to how fragile his health became because of that surgery, we had to make countless trips to Children's for checkups with the surgeon. By the time Nick's health had stabilized and he had fully recovered from all of the complications of the surgery, we found out he had PTLD/lymphoma. Then we began the journey that we are still on...

Nick was in remission from the cancer for a year before the cancer came back. Keith was in remission during the summer six years ago when Nick had that surgery. Keith came out of his remission at the same time Nick's cancer was diagnosed.

Now...Keith has been gone for almost 2 years. Nick still has cancer and will likely need a bone marrow transplant. I just can't seem to grasp the magnitude of all that is contained in just those two sentences.

Jumping thought trains...

I decided to withdraw from my economics class. I made it official today. I had to let something go. I was close to losing my mind trying to deal with my family stuff AND that class. MLC (My Lovely Counselor) had tried to get me to see that taking a summer class (esp one as in depth as microeconomics) was probably not the best thing for me. Did I listen? Nooooooooo. I'm Super Mom. I can handle it! It's just a summer class. I have plenty of time. The kids aren't in school. I'm not balancing school, band, dance, church, and all of the other externals that come with being a parent. ETC. ETC. ETC.

When I shared my decision to take microeconomics with MLC, he just kind of looked at me and said okay. He isn't going to wear me out about the decisions I make, unless it's a really bad decision.

When I told MLC today about my decision to withdraw, he clapped. He is very proud of my decision to cut my losses and reduce some of the stress in my life that I CAN control. He's so good for me. I was really battling feeling like a quitter, but he helped me see that I'm not. I needed to reduce some of the load that is on me, and that's what I did.

I don't regret it either. I slept better last night than I have in a while.

I'm going to end it here for tonight. There's still a lot that I want to share, but I'm just too tired right now.

As always, we remain...

In His Grip!

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