Sunday, March 6, 2011

Changes, changes, and more changes

Most everyone that knows me knows that I do not like change. I am the person that does not move furniture around. When I do, I have to force myself to live with it for a while because I immediately don't like it. Once I've lived with it for a while, I like it. That's just a part of who I am. I am someone who doesn't like change. My life isn't very easy for someone like me. My life is constantly changing and sometimes very drastically in a very short amount of time.

If you've been a long time reader, you know that I haven't changed the profile picture in a very long time.

I finally changed it. Yes, I did change it to a picture of Keith's grave marker. I don't exactly know why I chose that picture. I think a part of the reason is that I needed to make it public. I know that doesn't really make a lot of sense, but I do think that posting that particular picture on my public blog brings another level of acceptance for me. I also want to share it with friends who haven't seen it.

The phrase on the marker, "It is well with my soul.", is not something that is usually put on a marker. Usually there are phrases describing the deceased person's life, but I didn't want Keith's marker to be the usual. I wanted it to speak more about the life he lived.

He lived a very faith-filled life. In the midst of everything that wonderful man endured, his faith never wavered. Never once that he let me see. I put "It is well with my soul" there, simply because his soul is well. His soul is at home. Keith wanted to share his faith and belief in God with the world. I felt like this was one way that I could do that.

What else has been changing? My goodness...everything. Nick is an independent driver. That is a huge change. I've had to let go and let God keep that child safe. He hasn't driven very often by himself mainly because the school he goes to has run out of empty parking slots.

Another change today was that I let Nick drive Kacie. Can we say S-C-A-R-Y?! Whew! Letting what is most precious to me walk out that door together...tough. I just prayed for God to go with them and protect them.

The reason they were going out with Nick driving and me staying a home is that I have not felt well at all today. I believe that I may be getting a stomach ulcer. No surprise there.

Anyway...we needed some groceries mainly for Kacie's lunch this week. I let them go grocery shopping for me. I know! I can hardly believe it myself. I let them go and take care of it for me. I wrote out a list, gave them money, and let them go. That's a BIG change for me. They both felt very proud to be able to help me when I'm not feeling well.

So, I'm working on adapting to this new life that I certainly didn't ask for. I am trying to be easier about accepting these changes. I guess it's a sure sign of my grief healing.

That doesn't mean that I'm totally better. It doesn't mean that I don't grieve anymore. It simply means that the pain isn't as cutting every moment of every day like it has been.

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