Thursday, August 12, 2010

One week later

It's been one week since the kids and I received the news about Nick's cancer. I haven't written anything since my last post...not even in my personal journal. Honestly, I just simply have not wanted to even think about what happened and everything that was said. I just wanted to live without the burden for just a little while.

The burden has always been there. It's always in the back of my mind. I was shelving again. I know that is a coping skill that I am not supposed to use. MLC (My Lovely Counselor just in case there is a new reader) told me just last Friday in a time like this shelving until I can DEAL with the emotional/mental weight of the burden is okay. It's the long term, packed into boxes, duct taped shut shelving that I am not supposed to use to cope.

I found myself crying on my way back home from school drop off yesterday morning. I felt like I was back in the same place I was in every day last school year: missing Keith with an intensity that is felt physically. I eventually figured out that the emotional overload happened yesterday because I have been extremely busy Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday was simply the first day I had since school started, since Thursday's Birmingham visit, since the 13 month mark that I had slowed down long enough for any kind of emotion to surface.

It certainly surfaced yesterday. I found my way through it. I attended an extra grief group session to help me over the hump. I occupied my my mind. I used the tools I have learned during the past year to handle days such as yesterday. I thought it was over. I was wrong.

It came back today, except it brought along the reality of Nick's diagnosis. This afternoon I felt like I had slid downhill backwards on my butt. In case you've never had that happen, it's not fun. It is very painful. I think I found every rock, every stick, every tree root and pine cone on my way down.

The reality of Nick's diagnosis and impending treatment is overwhelming. I am trying not to focus on the what ifs. The problem is that I know too much about every aspect of each plan that the oncologist is considering for the treatment of this cancer. We have already been there, done that with each and every treatment option.

I wish I could just forget and not think about all this right now. It is truly overwhelming to even consider any part of this right now. I simply do not want Nick to have to go through this again. I find myself going back to the past questioning of the purpose of putting this child (who just happens to be turning 16 in a couple of weeks) through this fight for his life...AGAIN!

I have to stop now. I'm beginning to go there again. I am just so tired of cancer being my family's life. I don't have anything uplifting to say in this post. I'm frustrated and tired. I am sad and mad. I am grieving and still functioning.

I am trying to remain in His Grip, because I simply don't know where else to be.

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