Saturday, July 31, 2010

I'm still here

I am still here. I've actually started a couple of posts that I decided against posting. I just can't seem to write about anything lately.

So...I will revert to the old standby that MLC wants me to use. Bullet points about whatever comes into mind.

Here goes:
  • Nick is finished with band camp, and I am so glad. It has been a long couple of weeks.
  • School starts in 8 days. I'm happy, but sad. I am not ready for the busy-ness that school starting will bring.
  • I have decided to go back to substitute teaching this year. I thought I didn't want to do that anymore, but I realized that decision was made out of grief. I fully understand the reasoning behind not making major decisions during the first year. I definitely was not thinking clearly. I need to give myself a chance to love it or hate it without being influenced by the constant stress of care giving or grieving.
  • I am still grieving. Moving through the one year anniversary does not make the grieving magically disappear. The wonderful group of counselors I have been working with all warned me that the one year mark would not bring with it some kind of dramatic change in my grief. Yesterday showed me that. For the first time in MONTHS, I had to pull off the road so that I could have a good cry. The grief just ambushed me out of no where. I let it wash over me and found my way out. I did need to treat myself with a measure of grace and kindness for the rest of the day yesterday, but it's all okay. It's just the way it goes with grief. Sometimes you're up, and sometimes you're down.
  • When school starts, Kacie will be in the 5th grade. It will be my family's last year at the elementary school. We have been a part of this school since 1999, when Nick started kindergarten there. It's hard to believe that my kids have gotten that old. Nick is a sophomore in high school. Kacie is in her last year at elementary school. Nick is learning to drive. Kacie doesn't think that ALL boys have cooties anymore. I am beginning to see pieces of the young man that Nick is quickly becoming and the young woman that Kacie is just beginning to become.
  • Both kids remind me so much of Keith. Nick looks more like Keith with every passing day. A great many of his mannerisms are like Keith's as well. Kacie has always looked like Keith and acted like me. I am beginning to see glimpses of the kind and generous heart that her dad possessed.
  • I still don't have any results from Nick's biopsies. I am very frustrated. I reached my limit of patience 6 days ago. No one has got the answers and can't seem to find them. So, I am trying very hard to keep from calling them each and everyday. I am trying to wait patiently. I am trying not to worry about why they aren't calling me. I am trying not to catastrophize all of the what ifs that are circling in my mind CONSTANTLY.
  • This last week before school starts is a busy one. I have a few appointments this week for myself. Kacie has an appointment to have two baby teeth pulled. Both kids need haircuts. I have got to carve out time to buy Nick new shoes and both kids school supplies. Then Thursday is the next Birmingham visit. Whew! I'm tired just thinking about it.

I guess that's it for now. I needed to unload more than I realized. I will have to let MLC know that his advice and strategies have worked once again.

As always, I am trying to remain...

In His Grip!

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