I think it is very safe to say that today has been a very difficult day. I have been dealing with a lot of sadness and grief that have bombarded me today. I really think it is because I am ten days away from the one year anniversary of Keith's death. Ten days away from the day I told my husband goodbye, but I worded it as "see you later".
One extremely difficult part of being the spouse left behind is that "see you later" actually feels like "good bye forever". I know that my forever is going to be in heaven, the same place as Keith's forever. There is so much comfort in that knowledge. Sometimes, my heart wound in my human body forgets that. My heart wound, left behind from Keith's death, feels like it has completely opened back up, and all of the healing that has taken place during that last 355 days didn't happen. I know that all of that healing is still there. This draining day is making room for more healing.
One thought that has plagued me at different times today is how do you actually say good bye to some one that was not just a spouse, but your best friend. The person that understood you the best. The person that is the other half of your children. How do I say good bye? I have discovered through all of my tears and heartache today that I have not said good bye to Keith, my husband, father of my children, my best friend. I have not said good bye during any of the past 355 days. Hmmm. I'm not sure what I think about that.
I know that what I have been feeling today is most similar to everything I felt in those first moments right after Keith died. I know that a lot of this is simply due to the first anniversary quickly approaching.
I know that I am really glad I have an appointment with MLC (My Lovely Counselor) in the morning. I am also very thankful for the people that are called by God to work in the hospice field. The hospice that we chose for Keith continues to help me and the kids find our way through this difficult journey.
I don't know that MLC will have any answers for me. I don't really know that I am looking for an answer.
My heart wound is very tender today. I miss my husband. How do I say goodbye when I didn't ask him to leave?