Monday, May 11, 2009

Another day

Today is a new day. I am trying to keep reminding myself of this everyday. I really want to get past this whiny mind set I seem to be in lately. I know that everything I'm feeling right now is most likely rooted in the simple fact that I am tired. The couple of months before Keith's seizure were so busy. On the day of Keith's seizure, I had finally begun to catch up on some missed sleep, catch up on some much needed housework, catch up on spending one on one time with Kacie. For the last month,(WOW! It's been a month since Keith's seizure!) I feel like I have been "on" constantly.

I knew that things would change after THE DAY. I knew that Keith wouldn't be able to drive for 6 months. I knew that things would be hard before they would even begin to get better. I did not know how tiring driving ALL the time would be. I did not know how afraid I would be to leave Keith alone, even for me to take a shower.

There are so many things I did not know about. That may sound strange, but for me it's not. There is so much that I know, because I have been living this life for so many years. There are things I know that would make lesser men cringe. There are things I have had to help doctors and nurses do to my child that NO mother should have to endure. Why did I do it? Let me answer a question with a question. Would you be able to sit by and let YOUR child endure something painful and scary ALONE, WITHOUT HIS MOTHER HOLDING HIS HAND? I don't know about you, but I couldn't. It hurt me too much. If I still had breath left in me, my child would not be alone. There has only been one time that I couldn't handle what the doctors were doing. Thankfully, Keith was right there. He stepped in, took Nick's hand and held on until I could pull myself together. To this day, almost 13 years later, that still bothers me. I am so glad that Keith was right there.

I do believe that I am fed up with cancer and the fact that it has been living in my house for so long. I think I understand when people say that they long for heaven. I do. I long for that mansion in the sky. I long for the time when my family is no longer afflicted by the demon that is cancer. I long for the day when I can meet Jesus face to face and thank HIM for saving me from my sins. I long for the day when I can watch my children meet Jesus and KNOW that I had a part in their salvation. I long for the day when my husband and son are whole. Their bodies are no longer scarred and burdened from the fight. I long for the day when my daughter doesn't have to be afraid of being separated from me for a long time.

Jesus said "Come to Me all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.

That's a reminder for me as well. I come to the King with my weariness, and He will give me rest.

I know that He has gone to prepare a place for me.

"If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also." John 14:3

So, today is another day. Keith had radiation treatment # 13 and started chemo again. I am weary and heavy-laden, but Christ will give me rest. I long for heaven and He has prepared a place for me. One Scripture gives me fuel to get through today, while the second gives me hope for the future.

Thank you God!


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