Christmas is here and I'm not ready. I'm not ready in the physical sense. There seems to be so much to do and I just don't have the time or the energy to do it! I'm not ready in the spiritual sense either. I know I should really give myself a break. It isn't like I'm sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I just want to be able to love Christmas again. This time of year is difficult. I've mentioned it before, but the closer it gets the harder it is for me to enjoy it. I have to force myself. When I'm in church or able to take the time to just listen to some Christmas hymns, I'm good. I can feel the excitement, the awe, the joy that is Christmas. However, when I'm away from church or turn off the hymns, the good seems to vanish and the exhaustion creeps back in.
I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way about the holidays. I know of several people who are having to go through this Christmas as "the first" without their child or spouse. I can remember the first Christmas after my dad died. It was hard, harder than I ever imagined it could be. Looking back, I realized if it was that hard when it was my dad and I was already an adult, how hard it must be when it is your spouse or your child.
That is one aspect of living with cancer or some other life threatening disease that is so hard. We don't know how many more Christmases we will have together. I know that no one really knows how much time they have. When you are dealing with something that you KNOW has a time limit, like terminal cancer, time becomes tangible. Time becomes more than the ticking of the clock. Time becomes a living and breathing thing. It becomes something that you want to hold onto desperately and never let go of. Time is something that you don't want to waste. It is something that you hold so precious. No matter how hard you try there never seems to be enough of it. Time continues to slip away.
I've started and stopped this post several times. I can't seem to put my thoughts into the right words. I guess the bottom line is that I'm having a tough time this season. It is tough to have to remind yourself why we are celebrating Christmas. It is tough to try to keep from focusing on all of the bad. It is tough when you are too tired to decorate the way you used to. Right now life seems tougher than I am.
I'm in "get through it" mode. That is one thing that I am really good at. The last 13 years, for certain the last 5, have given me lots of practice.
I would love to enjoy Christmas again.