Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Another year gone

It has been a little while since my last post. I have been on a blogging break. I just could not put what I was feeling into words. Then there was also the busyness that threatened to consume me. That did not create a very good recipe for my blog.

Christmas is done. I managed fine. We actually had a nice and quiet day. That was exactly what I needed. I got through Christmas by giving myself permission not to decorate or kill myself trying to make everything into MY idea of a perfect Christmas. For 13 years, Christmas time has been a struggle. For 5 years, Christmas time has been one of the hardest times of the year for me. Thanks to my counselor, I realized why I have tried to come up with this "ideal" Christmas each year. I have been trying to make up for the bad ones, make up for the bad news that has come during the holiday season, make up for the Christmases that might not happen. My counselor helped me to realize that it was okay for me to be tired and to not have the energy to decorate. It was okay to not do everything that we have always done. Just because we left something off or left something out, it didn't mean that this Christmas would be any less. It was actually more enjoyable for me to simply be able to rest. I don't think the kids noticed what we didn't have or didn't do this season. I know that I really enjoyed the fact that taking down the Christmas tree (the only Christmas decoration) only took about an hour...maybe less.

I sit here with just under an hour and a half until 2009. I can hardly believe that another year has gone by. I would like to ask where it went, but I know. A large majority of our year was spent in doctors offices, waiting rooms, and treatment areas. I am ready for 2008 to be over, but I'm not sure that I'm quite ready for what 2009 might have in store. I know that it's coming no matter what. I am trying to place all of my doubts and fears about the new year in God's hands.

I don't like making New Year's resolutions. Most of the time I don't. I'm not making any this year either, but I do want to share a couple of things that I am thinking about. One thing is trying to be better at placing things in God's hands and LEAVING THEM ALONE. That's a BIG problem for me. Another thing is that I want to be able to accept my limitations. I want to try to accept the fact that I can't be Superwoman, Supermom, and Superwife all the time. I probably can't even be that part of the time. The fact is I'm too tired. Having a husband and a son with cancer is exhausting at times. I want to accept that I am doing the best that I can. There will be time some day for me to do other things. I want to be satisfied that this is God's plan for me right now.

All of these some what random thoughts might not make sense, but they are what's circling around inside my head tonight.

I hope that as one year ends and a new one begins, that everyone will be able to find lots of blessings, love, and happiness.

Happy New Year!

God Bless You,

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