Things have been mostly routine lately...or I've been trying to convince myself that they are routine. In all actuality, nothing is routine. I feel like my world is spinning out of control and there isn't anything I can "do" about it.
You may be wondering what the heck I am talking about. I know I haven't been writing here much. Like I said, I've been clinging to what little bit of routine there is. I haven't even been writing much in my private journal.
My little battle weary family is going through another major transition. Nick is turning 18 in 2 weeks. That has led to some drastic changes AND acceptance of certain realities that have taken us both by surprise. Nick is starting his senior year in high school. WOW! It's a tremendous achievement for Nick, especially since Keith and I were told no less than 5 times that he wouldn't live, he wouldn't be able to function outside of a third grade level, and he would never be able to be an independent adult. It's all wrong. The doctors were all wrong. God was and is in control of this young man's life. He always has been. He always will be.
So...what's my problem? My emotions are in a crazy whirlwind once again. It is sadness and grief, but these emotions that have become so familiar to me are changing. I'm sad that Keith isn't here to see Nick growing into a man. I'm sad that Keith isn't here to teach Nick how to be a Godly man.
I'm having nightmares about my lack of ability to be a father figure to Nick. I can't be what I'm not. I'm not the only thing that Nick needs right now. He needs his dad and his dad isn't here.
As if ALL OF THAT weren't enough, it's time for Nick's version of the yearly tests. Tomorrow he has to begin the prep for the pill camera endoscopy that will take most all day Tuesday. Then on Wednesday, he will have CT scans, chemo, and IVIG.
I keep telling myself this is just routine, but now that the time to actually do this is here...I'm not so sure. It's occurring to me that this "routine" we are in will likely be Nick's routine until further notice. Chemo, IVIG, scans, scopes to check the progression of the polyposis....and it begins all over again. It will be this way until God either calls Nick home or He gives Nick a miracle.
It's occurring to me as I see other young men Nick's age enter their senior year, that what Nick is going through is so far removed from routine. Nothing about it is routine. Keith and I did the best we could with what we had to give Nick a sense of normalcy and routine when life seemed like it was spinning out of control. I've tried to find the new normalcy since Keith's death. Just when I think that I'm doing ok with being a single parent and making the hard medical decisions for Nick without his dad, I get hit with something else that causes me to question myself and my abilities as a parent.
I'm in a rough place today. I'm crying and I haven't needed to cry in a long time. Kacie wanted to know why we didn't go to church again this morning. It's because I just couldn't get ready. I just couldn't make myself go. The nightmares last night have left me with a huge amount of sadness and grief. More than I've experienced in a long time. I don't know what I'm able to accomplish today. Right now, it's sitting here on the couch crying.
So...pray for me friends.