Monday, May 23, 2011

How's life been?

Life during the past week has been tough. I am still continuing to come to terms with last week's medical news about Nick. There are times that I simply can't comprehend that everything has turned out the way it has. I remember feeling this way for the first several weeks after Keith died. It's just a part of the whole process.

I don't know how well I am actually coping with everything. I have been very tired every day. There are still times when I just feel so helpless and worn down that all I can do is cry. There have been numerous times when my mind spins out of control and my thoughts go places that I have no business going to (i.e. funeral planning). Yes...that has happened. I have learned to pray for God to shield my mind and protect my thoughts as soon as these times happen. Another tip from my wonderful counselor. :-)

I'll be checking in with him in the morning. I suppose then I will find out how I am coping.

I really think that I have moved into the place of hands over my ears and singing lalalalalalalalalalala as loudly as I can, while my eyes are squeezed tightly shut. If I can't hear it and I can't see it, then it must not be real.

Would you be surprised to know that I used to do that when I was a kid? When I didn't want to hear or see something that someone (other than my parents or other grown up, because if I had done that with one of them I would have had my rear end torn up!) was telling me? Especially if that certain someone was one of my siblings?

I are stunned. No way that would have been me right?! Yeah, was. I guess that little girl is still deep within me since that thought comes to mind occasionally.

This is random, but one of my cabinet drawer fronts broke off tonight. Kacie brought it to me with the most bewildered look on her face. She was very quick to tell me that she only opened the silverware drawer, and she didn't do anything to it. I had to smile at that. Of course she didn't do anything. After 13 years of use, it's finally just worn out. It's just another reminder that I REALLY do not like my kitchen cabinets, yet I can't afford to replace them.

I looked at the drawer front. Then looked at it some more. Thought about crying. Decided not to cry. All it needed was some glue. I could fix that. Then I got to looking closer and saw that some pieces were broken off. The wood was splitting. Nails and staples sticking out. I decided I probably should call someone who knew more about this stuff than me. I called my wonderful neighbor. He came right over. He said no problem. He would get it put back together and have it back some time tomorrow. Then I really wanted to cry.

I still do and I still might. It's another one of those things that happen around the house that Keith would have taken care the drain I had to take apart last week, or the door knob that needed replacing last year, or the yard work (weed eating and edging) that I did Saturday and about every Saturday, or...or...or...

It reminds me that no matter how much I close my eyes or cover my ears and sing lalalalalalala, Keith is gone. Life can be very hard. The hard parts of life can last for a very long time.

So, in answer to my own question: "How's life been?" It's been a tough week and this week is looking to be about the same.


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